"She Doesn’t Please Me Orally Either" - Unsatisfied Husband

Dear "Bossip"

I’m a 32 year old male that’s been married for 4 years. So, here goes. I’ll try to put everything in the proper order so it all makes sense.

My wife is 3 years older than I am and our sex life is less than satisfying to say the least. I, too, like the letter from “Mr. High and Horny,” loved to smoke weed. On the other hand, I have completely stopped after getting married in 2010 – 10 years of smoking.

My wife and I didn’t have sex before marriage, but we seemed to both have the same level of desire for sexual intimacy while we dated. My situation may be different from other men because not having sexual intercourse or oral sex before marriage doesn’t give me much to go on as far as what we can expect after marriage. But, my wife doesn’t seem to like sex. I’ve tried to not take it personal, but how can I not. Here is what I mean:

First, she never initiates sex. When we first got married we lived in an apartment with thin walls, so that was her excuse for not initiating or having sex. We’ve since bought a house so that’s no longer an excuse. I can only remember 2 times in 4 years that she has initiated sex. Both times were after us not having sex for weeks and I was so sexually frustrated that she came to me after feeling bad and wanted me to stop being pissed.

Second, when we do have sex she just lays there. It’s like she doesn’t want to be having sex. She doesn’t move and doesn’t interact which makes me feel awkward and turned off. Now, the big “O” – She doesn’t please me orally either. I will perform oral on her, but getting her to initiate that or reciprocating it seems like a bother. It just seems like being intimate with me is a chore for her. Like housework that she doesn’t want to do. Every interaction of being intimate feels forced and unnatural.

Now, I’ve tried talking to her about it with no resolve. I’ve asked her what she likes and I’ve asked her to communicate during sex, but it hasn’t happened yet. We’ve read books about it like, “The Language of Sex,” and, even a few Karma Sutra books. I’ve tried adult movies to get her in the mood, and to visually show her what I like without her feeling pressured, “in the moment.”

Time and time again she says she will try and she will change, but still the same happens. Me, I am always initiating everything and her just being present.

It’s gotten to the point where I feel lonely, empty, unfulfilled, unwanted, unattractive, and damn near depressed. I’ve recently been flirting with other women to at least feel wanted by someone. Also, over the past 8 months to a year, I’ve started drinking. I haven’t and won’t go back to smoking, but it was a very good release for stress.

I’m totally out of ideas, and, unlike other men I don’t care to talk about it to anyone but my wife which seems to not be getting anywhere. In the end, I love her too much to cheat and self-pleasuring isn’t the same. I just don’t know what else to do. – Mr. Hopeful